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by Judith Burnett, Ph.D, Jennifer Kusters, M.S., Kim McGoff, M.S., and Ruth Pearl, M.S.
Many individuals with fertility issues find themselves lost, confused, and disenchanted in their struggle to conceive. The feelings associated with "sex on command" and the intrusion of ongoing medical procedures in what is normally a very private matter, as well as the emotional roller coaster of waiting for a successful outcome to treatment - all can often take their toll on intimacy.
At Fertility C.A.R.E. we also know that emotional support is just as important as medical support. That is why we offer patients access to the services of our own Fertility C.A.R.E. Support Group as well as counseling with Judith Burnett, Ph.D., a clinical reproductive psychologist at our center.
While many couples do find their relationship grows stronger because of their experiences in dealing with infertility together, even the strongest of couples may experience pain and confusion in trying to relate to each other on some intimate level during and after fertility treatment.
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Having to "perform on command" added a lot of pressure to our sex life. I regularly felt some level of anxiety, depression, or even bitterness. We both began to find that sex became mechanical. Pleasure? Forget about it. We were in the business of making a baby. Any fun would have to wait.
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The struggles that individuals experience with infertility can be difficult and painful. During fertility treatment, individuals and couples need the best support and caring possible. Below you'll find a few suggestions that may help you get in touch with your passionate nature and your intimate life again. As you explore different forms of sexual intimacy, you will be able to reignite your inner passions, discover new and exciting qualities about each other, redirect your energies toward sexual intimacy for pleasure rather than procreation, and in doing so, develop closer intimate bonds with each other. After all, it was this passion that brought two lives together in the first place!
Here are some ideas on how to do this (Note: In an attempt to avoid "mechanical sex," the act of sexual intercourse is eliminated from this list of suggestions.)
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Make intimacy a priority. If you don't give energy and time to "getting physical" with each other then it never seems to happen. So physical intimacy gets relegated to the bottom of your priority list. So, set a time. Anytime.
Explore the pleasures of the senses. Touch can be a powerful sex enhancer. Massage is one special way of giving pleasure to your lover. Be playful. Touch each other all over, avoiding the genitals. Wrestle. Tickle. Be creative! Through touch, you may experience new physical sensations that can enrich intimacy.
Pleasure for pleasure's sake. Approach physical intimacy simply as a way to pleasure yourself and your partner. When we initiate intimacy with a goal in mind (orgasm, procreation, etc.), we often fall into feeling pressured, anxious, and concerned with achieving the goal. Allowing yourself the freedom to experiment without feeling the need to reach that goal can open the doors to a variety of pleasurable and intimate possibilities.
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The candle light ritual for couples (adapted from Wendy Hill, LMFT). This 15 minute ritual can give couples a sense of order, unity and connectedness. You will need a candle and a timer (egg timer):
- Agree to a time of day that is convenient for both of you.
- Find a quiet place where both of you can feel relaxed and comfortable…and uninterrupted
- Light the candle. As you do so, both of you ask silently or out loud for love and guidance.
- Sit in silence. Let go of whatever has been on your mind and relax. Allow yourselves to center into your togetherness.
- Share what feels good-positive things. This step is meant to reinforce and remind you of your love for each other.
- Close the ritual by giving thanks and blowing out the candle.
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Share a bedtime story. Pick out your favorite "juicy parts" and take turns reading aloud to each other. You might want to start out with the short flights of fantasy in Nancy Friday's books, "Women On Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies" or "Men in Love: Men's Sexual Fantasies". Maybe you'll be inspired to create your own bedtime stories.
Create a Wish List. If you could do anything you want sexually, what would you do? Do you want to make love at the drive-in movies?. In the back seat of your car? Write down all your fantasies and dreams. Then share them with your lover. And next time you're feeling bored, you'll know right where to turn.
Fantasize. Fantasy is a wonderful way to recharge your sexual "batteries." Take pleasure in daydreams. Hold onto those sexy or romantic thoughts just a bit longer. Sexual fantasies can induce sexual desire, maintain sexual arousal, enhance the sexual experience, trigger an orgasm, and preserve a memory. Treat yourself to their sensuality. Make it part of your life.
Role play. Take your fantasies a step further-create and act out a mutually agreed upon fantasy. Envelop yourselves in the process. Set the scene (the old west, a football/soccer game, the grocery store). Use costumes. Adopt the "language" of the character you wish to play, or make up your own dialogue. Have fun!
Focus on the good and positive aspects of your mate and your intimate relationship rather than on the negative qualities. Take time to explore the positive aspects of yourself, your mate and your relationship. This way, you may be able to attract more of what you want in your relationship as well as reconstruct your attitudes, thoughts and feelings about intimacy and its place in your life.
Kissing. Kissing can be a very intimate and personal expression of love and connectedness. Find all the different ways to kiss at http://www.theromantic.com.
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The struggles that individuals experience with infertility can be difficult and painful. During fertility treatment, individuals and couples need the best support and caring possible. Below you'll find a few suggestions that may help you get in touch with your passionate nature and your intimate life again. As you explore different forms of sexual intimacy, you will be able to reignite your inner passions, discover new and exciting qualities about each other, redirect your energies toward sexual intimacy for pleasure rather than procreation, and in doing so, develop closer intimate bonds with each other. After all, it was this passion that brought two lives together in the first place!
Most of all, try to have fun together!
Learn more about relationships and getting more time together or new relationship coping tools.
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