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by Judith Burnett, Ph.D, Jennifer Kusters, M.S., Kim McGoff, M.S., and Ruth Pearl, M.S.
Fertility challenges may bring up feelings of guilt, resentment, depression, anger, hurt, and shame for one or both partners. In an attempt to protect each other from these difficult feelings, partners may inadvertently stop communicating with one another. This breakdown in communication can be detrimental to couples and be counterproductive to their efforts to conceive.
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When communicating with your partner, state things subjectively with expressions such as: "I believe..." "It seems to me..." "By my standards..." This avoids creating a sense of blame or guilt for the person receiving the information.
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At Fertility C.A.R.E. we recognize that emotional support during fertility treatment is just as important as the treatment itself. That is why we offer our patients access to emotional support resources.
We are pleased to offer the services of our own Fertility C.A.R.E. Support Group as well as counseling sessions with Judith Burnett, Ph.D., a clinical reproductive psychologist at our center.
Because fertility treatment is a time when support, comfort, and consolation is most needed we offer you these suggestions on helping you help each other.
Keys to Good Communication
- Practice empathic listening and empathic responding
- Imagine yourself as the other person.
- Imagine what the other person is feeling.
- Make statements without placing blame
- Use "I statements" to convey your feelings. For example, a blaming statement you might want to make would be better stated as "I feel angry when..." instead of "You make me angry when..."
- Be an active listener
- Show that you have heard your partner and understand what has been said by paraphrasing-repeating what the person said in your own words-including your partner's most important thoughts, conflicts, desires, and feelings.
- Imagine yourself in your partner's place to understand those feelings.
- Convey understanding and acceptance by your tone, posture, body language and facial expression.
- Temporarily put aside your own beliefs and judgments about what's being said and just listen (Don't be busy preparing your retaliation).
Relationship Coping Strategies
Try these techniques for better communication with your partner during fertility treatments. Remember, if stress continues to be a problem for either of you, talk with your doctor.
- Be willing to take a break from the day-to-day shadow of fertility.
- Be willing to take a sabbatical to reconnect with friends and family.
- Respect differences in coping strategies.
- Work to arrive at emotional consensus that respects each partner's needs.
- Develop a shared ritual, symbolic ceremony or sign that recognizes your shared experience of fertility challenges.
Learn more about relationships and intimacy or getting more quality time together.
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